


As You Wish

by Azumaru



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Attempted Suicide, Gen, Thoughts of Suicide, dark times dark places, unhappy thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2020-05-31 15:01:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19428382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azumaru/pseuds/Azumaru
Summary: Saeran gives Saeyoung a friendly suggestion.Saeyoung wants to make everyone happy.





	As You Wish

It’s not very difficult to figure out where Saeyoung Choi is going.  
  
Saeyoung Choi has made many undeserving individuals suffer. Individuals that have done no wrong, and earned no scorn. But why does Saeyoung Choi live with this constant reminder roiling around through his bones like a cruel disease that he is, of course, the cause of pain and general inconvenience? It’s simple:  
  
It’s very easy not to think about, until he thinks about it all at once.  
  
His mind is busy roaring with the same loop of code, the same constant record skipping and repeating. He’s gotten used to it. So used to it, in fact, that when he stops, and really stops to think about it, that it’s almost a surprise. Until, that is, it dawns on him why it’s hitting him this way.  
  
It’s a question. More like a death sentence, really. For a self-proclaimed man of God, he sure likes to swathe himself in sins that breed and mutate and cry for salvation. He’s tired. He’s sore. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter in the slightest. He’s not even a cog in the grand machine of fate, not a link of silk between a spider web’s threads. As easily forgettable as a toy stuffed in the corner of a child’s closet—not seen, not heard, not worth the effort to bring to the light.  
  
And it’s okay, really. He prefers things this way. Living in the shadows is exactly the job description of the lifelong contract he signed as an informant. If he’s being honest with himself, it feels more like a child in an all-too-strict household. Children are meant to be seen, not heard, but even being seen is a punishment in itself.  
  
To those that know him, it won’t be too much of a shock once logic is in motion, he thinks. Jaehee will rationalize it and say something like Studies do show that those suffering mental illness tend to cover it up with false happiness, or something. She never was too fun to be around, but she was a great lunch partner in the rare occasion he did decide to scuttle out of his cement cave. The last time they’d spoken, she’d given him a lecture on why it was wrong to prank Yoosung as he does. Everyone knows he would never hurt him on purpose, they’re best friends, isn’t that what best friends do? Yoosung ribs him about his shitty eating habits and unhealthy way of living, and Saeyoung brushes it off as ahah, but I do sleep and eat, dear Yoosungie! It’s just how my body functions! even though anyone with half a brain cell knows that saturated fat and carbonated sugar does no favors to the human body. Point being, Jaehee will probably be glad for him. No more endless lectures on his failing physical and mental health, no more eye rolling at the parties when he tries to lighten the mood and gently steer it away from his questionable habits.  
  
Maybe Jumin'll give her a day or two off if she pretends she's hurt. Saeyoung knows there's some compassion buried behind that careful corporate-trained mask. He'd show up to the service—assuming anyone would bother to hold one— and maybe hang his head a little, run his fingers through his hair like he does when something's bothering him. He's not sure Jumin would be too bent out of shape about it, especially since the last time they exchanged messages, his father was pissing him off about something again, as he did without fail. This could benefit him, using his exit as an advantage for some time away from drama. Did the Hans even do grievancea?  
  
Zen the mother hen absolutely would want to take time to recover. He's too emotional on the outside, easily fired up, but in private he's not as dumb as he seems. His persona slipped only slightly and it took about three seconds for a notification from Hyun to pop up from his inbox. It was almost touching, how he cared. The actor was fiercely loyal to those he loved, and this little party group was no different. Maybe in a past life they could have been a thing together.  
  
As if he could be loved.  
  
He'll never forget the look that flashed across Saeran's face just before the door slammed between them. The exact exchange of words escaped him, but he'd slipped and no, he hadn't gone to counseling, he doesn't need help, he just needs some fucking support instead of a constant barrage of needling insults and barbed jabs everywhere he went. They couldn't even be in the same room without some sly comment from his brother meant to rub him the wrong way. What did he do to deserve this? Besides everything…which was absolutely justified. He deserved the hate, but weren't they past this? Weren't they on the home stretch that first night he'd woken up to Saeran in his bed, huddling close with shaky whispers in the inky darkness of his room? He hadn't held his brother like this since before he abandoned him…this wasn't the first time the nightmares came to say hello, but he wished with all his broken heart that it'd be the last. Saeyoung Choi didn't have anyone to hold tight to and have rub his back and whisper soothing words of comfort until he was lulled back to sleep. Saeyoung Choi didn't deserve the warmth of human touch, but he was also a greedy conniving bastard, so he'd take what he could get.  
  
But then "so fucking kill yourself, then!" was shot across the room at him, heavy door slamming with an echoed boom in his face. Ice crept through his veins, his heart hesitated to crawl along as usual. Was that what he thought? That he should leave this world? Was he really nothing?  
  
He remembers what he's put his own flesh and blood through, and hangs his head in acceptance. He has no case, no alibi, no excuse. Guilty as charged.  
  
If he's a source of misery, then Saeyoung Choi needs to be put down like an out of control beast.  
  
Saeyoung Choi will do this one thing right, to be a perfectly good boy. He'll make everyone happy if it's the last thing he does.  
  
It will be the last thing he does. He'll make sure of it. Another shiver runs through him, though from anticipation or the chills casually piercing his light jacket, he isn't sure. On exhale, he can't help but let his eyes wander to the puff of breath swirling on the breeze, vanishing into the night as quick as it'd come. For more reasons than one, he was jealous of that carbon dioxide.  
  
The city looks so pretty from this view so high up. Golds and reds and blues gleamed up from the ground, glimmering like precious ore in the sunlight for the first time. There's one last thing he'll grant himself, isn't he selfish tonight… he aims his camera carefully, snaps a high-res picture of the view. Maybe someone will find it and think, wow, the view was worth it if they're able to unlock his phone. He sure as hell isn't taking it with him.  
  
Hell. That's right. Phone placed carefully to the side, cold cement brushing his fingers, he straightens his back and takes another breath. There might have been a shooting star flashing across the sky, or maybe it was a helicopter. Either way, he doesn't wish. He can't wish. He won't wish.  
  
His body sways, and gravity does the rest.


End file.
